The waves of energy and attention from men that come when you're an average and not even exceptionally stunning blonde.... have been at different times of my life, something I've found to be really threatening and overwhelming rather than welcome or even just amusing. Attraction hasn't been something I've felt comfortable with....so I've found various ways to shut it down or shut it out of my experience. But... can I help being hot??? Do I have to switch it off for the rest of my life just so that I can feel safe in a bubble of aloneness?
I'm challenging EVERYTHING at the moment. Every belief lurking in my brain is being pulled out and examined for a stint of serious emotional housecleaning. Being "hot" means coping with JEALOUSY, from both men and women. And beneath all my fears - the fear of jealousy - is at the bottom. Not even just jealousy in any way., but the feeling that me being who I really was could make someone else feel bad. I used to be compared to my twin sister "you're the pretty one" they'd say. Thinking it would make me feel good, but inside I felt hurt that she wasn't receiving that kind of attention too, that no one was saying how great she was too. She's odd they'd say - weird. I'd try to look less pretty around her husband when he looked at me with that strange look in his eyes. Finally - at 47 she's worked out that she's gay...and she's really happily receiving attention from women who look nothing like the stereotypical blonde...and finally she's getting the feedback that she's gorgeous too - and the "oddness" fits perfectly in their world too, she's not odd there, she's HOT. and so finally - I can go back to milking being blonde and hot in my own way....without feeling bad at all that she won't get that feedback from my world but that she's really happy in hers. She has a "gorgeous" girlfriend who looks like she came right off the farm , from driving the tractor, who can fix all kind of things... So back to me - I held myself back for no reason - to protect my sister from finding out that she didn't belong in my straight world.
Then there was my mum - whoa! Her jealousy was intense - and violent! she didn't quite beat me up but the daily clips around the ear to get me to "know my place" ...The seeming encouragement of my musical talents, then the daily pre breakfast practises where she ripped into my attempts to learn the violin (that she'd given up despite being very talented at it) & broke my violin once when I instinctively used it as a defensive sheild as she went to slap me for whatever mistake I'd just made...then made me pay for it....But behind a lot of her anger - was jealousy that she'd missed the opportunites in her life that she was trying to give me, that she wasn't young and pretty with life full of potential anymore. (Still I'm proud of the fact that in her mid forties she when back to school to get a masters degree, and when she was in her fifties and split up with my dad, she didn't let her age stop her from attracting men and love into her life, in that way she's always been an inspiration to me).
I don't like making people feel bad, I don't want anyone to feel bad on my account ... but sometimes not achieving, or not excelling, or not being hot, so someone else can feel better about themselves....just doesn't work for anyone. sometimes they have to feel the pain of a place that doesn't feel good, so they can work out what they need to do to feel better about where they are and where they're going...
I don't want me feeling good to make anyone feel bad...but I've slowly worked out that me feeling bad - usually makes other people feel even worse than when I feel good.
So when I'm not coping with the numerous men that hit on me when I'm out and about, when I stop shining my light... and back into a corner, or hide in a cupboard to keep it all away....I'm not helping anyone especially myself. So first I have to accept that I AM HOT lol and it's OK. (and so are you...and so is my sister...).
As far as being unsafe being attractive, and feeling unsafe around jealousy...two incidents stand out, my brothers very inappropriate and un welcome attention when I was a teenager that I wrote about in a previous post... and much more recently when my samoan (ex) boyfriend beat me up after seeing me dancing with friends ....
But I woke up this morning...knowing that I was already letting go of all that. Since I believe that everything out there in the world starts within... by shifting my focus of attention within I can influence the responses I get from the world. Jealousy doesn't have to be a controlling influence in my life anymore and I can feel safe in situations where it may come up. (and mixing in latin circles...there are plenty of opportunities to work on this!!). My fear of jealousy and the potential consequences of it - has I believe intensified the problems that can occur... feeling calmer and more at ease... defuses situations. I'm basically a teenager in an adult body. I'm learning about life, about sexuality, about emotions in new ways. I'm exploring territories that I didn't get to explore when I WAS a teenager, when my controlling mother didn't let me go out pretty much at all. That was her way of dealing with my developing sexuality and relationships with men.
So now.... I'm single, but kinda seeing someone, who doesn't mind making it obvious that I'm not the only one he's seeing. And in the circles we mix in there are other men I find attractive too.. It's about time I allowed myself to experience more of the playing with and allowing the attractions that can happen on this side of the fence that actually having sex is on the other side of. Which is what the salsa class I'm going to this week is about. Salsa is kind of "try before you buy". Allowing a bit of heat to develop, without having to go all the way... So it's my safe way of being a teenager...going some of the way without obligation to complete the deal. I want to explore and allow more of the closeness and sensuality that's on this side of the fence... I want to feel more control... to know that I can be safe...that sometimes sexual energy can be there without it leading to the full on experience, and sometimes it can be there and it does... lead to that, but that I feel safe and comfortable with those subtle and sometimes not so subtle boundaries along the way to that place..
Having an involvement with a hot young latin lover, is one of the most challenging things I've done... but I like it because of that challenge. The challenge is not to get his love..but to keep loving myself no matter what and to use the experience to dig out the places where old hurts lie buried. He continually forces me to grow beyond the limiting concepts of who I've been. For that I'm grateful. He's made me aware of all kinds of buried stuff that's been holding me back...and I just can't live with those limitations anymore.It may seem like...because of all these words...that I'm a thinker...but when I'm playing music, I'm not thinking , when I'm dancing I'm not thinking. I like to think and write...then put it away.. and just be.
So now - writings over, back to being... in love - with life.
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