A Profusion of Confusion




 I haven't written anything for ages...Life has taken over, but finally - there's time and space in my life, and money...to take a break from what seems more important - but isn't.

 The past is going through my mind like a fire in my brain. The embers are still burning from old hurts, seeping into the present and setting alight hopes and dreams of the future. I can't write well today...I just have to write, rough and raw and unpolished..

When I really want something good, but the voices and doubts from within threaten to recreate the unwanted former experiences..it's time for acute therapy. A past relationship trauma is colouring my perceptions of what is happening now. I have to gently respectfully close the door to the past and allow myself to know what I want...and focus on that rather than the unwanted stuff that is smouldering... Sometimes having what you want is as simple as focusing on what IS wanted...getting as clear as possible about - knowing that how I felt in the past didn't feel good - how do I WANT to feel now? When the confusion and pain rules, life reflects that. I want - integration... friendship... acceptance. doors to open rather than close. Trust, new beginnings...today writing is just about my own clarity, which means that it may not make much sense to anyone else :( but I feel clearer and better when I search for clarity., even if that clarity doesn't quite reach the page, there's an upliftment that goes with reaching for it.

 Anyway...details....I was never searching for a younger lover. I just wanted freedom and release from something painful and it came in the form of a young man. I don't identify with being a cougar, in fact there should be a word for young men that prowl for sex with older women, because I've found it's much more that way around. In my innocence - I only saw innocence in men in their 20's. But the way they look at me I've found is not innocent at all. They want to touch me, want to kiss me, want me to take my clothes off and get naked and... I was about to put my body into retirement, stamp it with middle age, and put it in a box in a cupboard and keep it there.  only exposing occassionally myself to the eyes of other past their use by date folk. But young men kept seeing something beautiful when I couldn't see it myself. And when I finally started to see myself through their relatively innocent eyes, I began to see it too. It's not just about physical form, kindness has a light of it's own. Heart and soul shine in a different way to the perfection of young flesh. Strangely though through their attention I've come to look more physically beautiful too. Excess weight has dropped off, the desire for exercise has increased, hair, clothes all reflecting the deeper sense of wellbeing that I'm feeling. People are starting to comment in the glow and vitality I'm emanating..

 (When I say "their", I don't mean many, and just one in particular is on my mind now.) I couldn't receive love and attention from him at first, I cringed at my lack of perfection in contrast to his youth and beauty. I wanted to hide, to run away and I guess I did just that. I couldn't allow myself to want more than a very simple kind of pleasure. And I could hardly even allow myself that.. but now I find myself wanting more. Wanting to be a bigger part of his life..going through the hiccups of the insecurities that that brings on both sides. I see him wanting more and me pulling away, myself wanting more and again pulling away, see him pulling away and coming closer at the same time, it's a strange dance. It's scary...because everythings so fragile at this point. At first his confidence led the way, but I see that for the next venture into new territory, my confidence has to take over. I have to have the confidence to form the vision of how to move into something deeper.

 Last night I went out. I'd applied a lightening mousse to my hair, just enough that people would notice a difference, without really twigging as to why I looked different. I bought a nice top from a recycle store. Again it was subtly sexy rather than overtly. The mousse's magic meant that everyone noticed I looked good. One well meaning male friend spent quite some time telling me just how sexy and attractive I was looking. but more than that, when I looked in the mirror there was a glow in my eyes that I hadn't seen for some time. If ever?? I felt radiant & I was basking in the positive feedback I was receiving.I didn't know that the one person I really wanted to shine for, would turn up. But he did, with his latin band, just as I was leaving with friends to go to another bar where a friend was waiting for me.I'm still not quite confident seeing him in public. I gave him a quick hug and took off, telling him where I was going and not expecting to see him again that night.

 At the bar down the road, some old friends were playing celtic music. I asked if I could play a few tunes with them on my friends violin, as I often do when I see them. Just as I was preparing to play, my young Mexican lover turned up. The timing was perfect, I was at my best, the music flowed like water, the crowd was hyped and loving it, but the one person I really cared about being there, was looking screwed up & miserable...one of his band members jumped up and played percussion... which amped everything up...the performance couldn't have gone more perfectly, but he took off almost as soon as it was over. The words that came out of my mouth didn't help, we exchanged a few disjointed sentances and then he was gone.

 And I was left thinking - what's the point of looking my best, being my best, if ??? Anyway it's time for maturity to kick in where insecurity wants to take over. Maybe it was all the young men in the audience enjoying the music, maybe it was the easy comfortable relationship I have with the older band members that I've known for years, maybe it was that I said I was getting a ride home with Gerry??? (he lives out my way - with his wife and kids...). But anyway I'm going to go home, and focus on where I want to be with him... if I want more then I'm going to focus mostly on how I want to FEEL with him. The hard part for me is acknowledging and allowing myself to want anything from anyone... but especially from him. I want an intimacy that he hasn't shown much sign of wanting to give...So I'll be focusing on two senarios..how I want to feel if I go deeper with him, and how I want to feel if I have to let go of him. Mostly the feeling I want is trust. I want to be in a more trusting easy place....either way....and I want to allow myself to want everything I want with him...even if I don't get it from him. I want cuddles, I want him to stay over. I want to be allowed to want more...I want to be allowed to want what I want.... (a whole new level of pyschotherapy latent behind that one).

 I want to be allowed to want unconditionally, and for it to be ok to want cuddles (my dad - made me feel there was something wrong with me for wanting him to cuddle me - the teacher at school said we weren't allowed to pray for a bicycle...).

 I want to practicing the "art of allowing" on every level of my being so that it never feels creepy to want anything from anyone, anywhere, anyhow.