Too tired to write zzzzzz

Been wanting to write sooo much, so much to write about..and now I finally have time - I'm sooo tired I just feel like going home and going to bed. And maybe, seriously -  that's what I should do??

Dancing in the rain..,

 I fell so tired, I just want to sleep - but today is about dancing in the rain... Bumped into a friend today at the point where my plans had hit a curb & I was sprawled on the sidewalk, not sure how to pick myself up and carry on. I say friend - we were lovers briefly, life took us in different directions... but the friendship is still there. So there he was, drinking coffee as usual, talking to a friend & smoking outside a small Ponsonby cafe. I was lugging my broken amp down the street on a on a trolley. I collapsed onto one of the chairs at his table & stopped for a chat. He offered me a ride across town to the repair shop. & I was just loading my gear into his van when his girlfriend turned up. She tried to be friendly but her suspicion  was obvious. Impossible to explain that it was the first time I'd seen him in 6 months. Anyway she didn't want to stay so we took off after another coffee, dropped off my amp & then he dropped me back into town.
 Now I'm thinking about Filo my (very occasional) mexican "lover" (not his real name). Thinking about how if I'm going to be around him, I want to see only the best in him. Unlike my friend, whose girlfriend is alway imagining the worst, when he's actually quite a straight up loyal guy... Filo gives me plenty to reason to be jealous..but I'm not the jealous kind. My wellbeing, my feeling good is important to me. So I've decided to just be as friendly and nice as possible to him, regardless of how many women he attempts to seduce in front of me in plain view. I want to use him to practice the law of attraction...focusing on his best aspects and ignoring the rest. If I can't control the whole sexual side of things... I'm going to focus on genuine old fashioned unconditional love. On just being a good natured friend. On just being me. On just being true to my nature. I can't make him want me or be attracted to me, or loyal to me...but I can be loyal to myself. I can be good to myself when he's flirting like crazy with whoever...(it's always someone new) I can be warm and friendly & consistent to myself (at least in my head). He wants me to play in his band... so I can't hide or run away... but I can let go about the whole thing... accept that he's not going to be the source of my wellbeing, and be that for myself.  I think I'm going to get to the point where I'm going to just feel like laughing or quietly laughing to myself when he does his thing he does with women in front of me... there's not much else he can do that he hasn't already done in front of me. I genuinely don't have sexual jealousy, but I do or did have jealousy of fun and friendliness...if it looked like I was the only one missing out on that...but - I'm now officially allowing myself to have fun!!! Not necessarily from him if he's not there for that with me.. there are plenty of other people to have fun with. So I don't need to be jealous. I'm open to having fun of my own!!!.

 Anyway it's raining...all the other buskers are hiding and it's time for me to play. Filo is the rain in my emotional life... but when the cloud come out - I like nothing better than being outside in stormy weather. Feeling the wind on my face makes me feel alive. Winters my time to get outside, go for brisk walks, run up hills... be free of the fears and conditioning of other people... and play!

No words for where music takes me....

 The words were flowing brilliantly as I walked home last night....far away from any possibility of capturing any of them....no here I am in front of the computer....and it's raining outside but the flood of words has become a trickle from an empty hose. I had a great jam last night, a collaboration with one of the most creative musicians I know. The music changed direction again & again & again... the ideas flowed across musical genres, through eras, & around the world, & I felt - free - unbound, at one with my instrument and the other musicians. All those scales...that foundation work I've been doing finally paying off??? It was effortless & inspiring. I felt echos of Pink Floyd & Hendrix... then found myself travelling through India and Spain.. I felt grateful just for that moment in time. That free flow of energy...that now. Now gone.....
lack of sleep, too tired.......just memories left to flicker through hardly awakened brain cells...

Being attractive - has been scary for me - but now....it's time for that to change

 The waves of energy and attention from men that come when you're an average and not even exceptionally stunning blonde.... have been at different times of my life, something I've found to be really threatening and overwhelming rather than welcome or even just amusing. Attraction hasn't been something I've felt comfortable with....so I've found various ways to shut it down or shut it out of my experience. But... can I help being hot??? Do I have to switch it off for the rest of my life just so that I can feel safe in a bubble of aloneness?

 I'm challenging EVERYTHING at the moment. Every belief lurking in my brain  is being pulled out and examined for a stint of serious emotional housecleaning. Being "hot" means coping with JEALOUSY, from both men and women. And beneath all my fears - the fear of jealousy - is at the bottom. Not even just jealousy in any way., but the feeling that me being who I really was could make someone else feel bad. I used to be compared to my twin sister "you're the pretty one" they'd say. Thinking it would make me feel good, but inside I felt hurt that she wasn't receiving that kind of attention too, that no one was saying how great she was too. She's odd they'd say - weird. I'd try to look less pretty around her husband when he looked at me with that strange look in his eyes. Finally - at 47 she's worked out that she's gay...and she's really happily receiving attention from women who look nothing like the stereotypical blonde...and finally she's getting the feedback that she's gorgeous too - and the "oddness" fits perfectly in their world too, she's not odd there, she's HOT. and so finally - I can go back to milking being blonde and hot in my own way....without feeling bad at all that she won't get that feedback from my world but that she's really happy in hers. She has a "gorgeous" girlfriend who looks like she came right off the farm , from driving the tractor, who can fix all kind of things... So back to me - I held myself back for no reason - to protect my sister from finding out that she didn't belong in my straight world.

 Then there was my mum - whoa! Her jealousy was intense - and violent! she didn't quite beat me up but the daily clips around the ear to get me to "know my place" ...The seeming encouragement of my musical talents, then the daily pre breakfast practises where she ripped into my attempts to learn the violin (that she'd given up despite being very talented at it) & broke my violin once when I instinctively used it as a defensive sheild as she went to slap me for whatever mistake I'd just made...then made me pay for it....But behind a lot of her anger - was jealousy that she'd missed the opportunites in her life that she was trying to give me, that she wasn't young and pretty with life full of potential anymore. (Still I'm proud of the fact that in her mid forties she when back to school to get a masters degree, and when she was in her fifties and split up with my dad, she didn't let her age stop her from attracting men and love into her life, in that way she's always been an inspiration to me).

 I don't like making people feel bad, I don't want anyone to feel bad on my account ... but sometimes not achieving, or not excelling, or not being hot, so someone else can feel better about themselves....just doesn't work for anyone. sometimes they have to feel the pain of a place that doesn't feel good, so they can work out what they need to do to feel better about where they are and where they're going...

 I don't want me feeling good to make anyone feel bad...but I've slowly worked out that me feeling bad - usually makes other people feel even worse than when I feel good.

 So when I'm not coping with the numerous men that hit on me when I'm out and about, when I stop shining my light... and back into a corner, or hide in a cupboard to keep it all away....I'm not helping anyone especially myself. So first I have to accept that I AM HOT lol and it's OK. (and so are you...and so is my sister...).

 As far as being unsafe being attractive, and feeling unsafe around jealousy...two incidents stand out, my brothers very inappropriate and un welcome attention when I was a teenager that I wrote about in a previous post... and much more recently when my samoan (ex) boyfriend beat me up after seeing me dancing with friends ....

 But I woke up this morning...knowing that I was already letting go of all that. Since I believe that everything out there in the world starts within... by shifting my focus of attention within I can influence the responses I get from the world. Jealousy doesn't have to be a controlling influence in my life anymore and I can feel safe in situations where it may come up. (and mixing in latin circles...there are plenty of opportunities to work on this!!). My fear of jealousy and the potential consequences of it - has I believe intensified the problems that can occur... feeling calmer and more at ease... defuses situations. I'm basically a teenager in an adult body. I'm learning about life, about sexuality, about emotions in new ways. I'm exploring territories that I didn't get to explore when I WAS a teenager, when my controlling mother didn't let me go out pretty much at all. That was her way of dealing with my developing sexuality and relationships with men.

 So now.... I'm single, but kinda seeing someone, who doesn't mind making it obvious that I'm not the only one he's seeing. And in the circles we mix in there are other men I find attractive too.. It's about time I allowed myself to experience more of the playing with and allowing the attractions that can happen on this side of the fence that actually having sex is on the other side of. Which is what the salsa class I'm going to this week is about. Salsa is kind of "try before you buy". Allowing a bit of heat to develop, without having to go all the way... So it's my safe way of being a teenager...going some of the way without obligation to complete the deal. I want to explore and allow more of the closeness and sensuality that's on this side of the fence... I want to feel more control... to know that I can be safe...that sometimes sexual energy can be there without it leading to the full on experience, and sometimes it can be there and it does... lead to that, but that I feel safe and comfortable with those subtle and sometimes not so subtle boundaries along the way to that place..

 Having an involvement with a hot young latin lover, is one of the most challenging things I've done... but I like it because of that challenge. The challenge is not to get his love..but to keep loving myself no matter what and to use the experience to dig out the places where old hurts lie buried. He continually forces me to grow beyond the limiting concepts of who I've been. For that I'm grateful. He's made me aware of all kinds of buried stuff that's been holding me back...and I just can't live with those limitations anymore.It may seem like...because of all these words...that I'm a thinker...but when I'm playing music, I'm not thinking , when I'm dancing I'm not thinking. I like to think and write...then put it away.. and just be.
So now - writings over, back to being... in love - with life.

Collisions in my brain...

 Thoughts colliding in my brain, sometimes connecting like marbles ...sometimes like grenades, detonating walls from the past.. the last few days have been intense, as the consciousness of who I am expands, the walls that contain the past are crumbling.I say they're crumbling, I want them to go, but I'm scared of whats on the other side? The key events in my life that made me who I am...on the other side is freedom ... so why the fear? I'm listening to Cuban music as I write this. Sometimes  oppressed people understand freedom better than anyone....
When every choice is controlled by someone else, dance & music become the medium of freedom of expression.

 I'm analyzing  the oppressive regime in my head...the key experiences that influenced my brain to make choices that don't serve me now. Sometimes the things I think, the choices I've made because of different experiences are SO DUMB!! How could I let the argument I had with my mother when she wouldnt let me listen to any other station but the classical one, make me tense for the REST OF MY LIFE when I listen to recorded music. My brains been taken hostage ....It's time for a revolution!! 

 I'm a musician who doesn't, usually listen to music....unless it's live. I've just started playing in a latin band, despite just about never listening to latin music. (I've already turned off the Cuban music, it was hurting my brain even though I like Cuban music). I listen to recorded music accidently, but hardly ever on purpose. I don't listen to recorded music, - but I do listen to the versions of reality that I've recorded in my head, replaying them over and over.....and I replay the worst moments when I made some very bad choices about reality. I made things important and formative when they shouldn't have been. I made some bad tapes from certain experiences, and I listen to them TOO MUCH. right now I feel like running away...problem is I want to run away from myself - and that's not possible. So instead... I have to come back to myself.

 I tried to tell my friend about what happened last night, how I flashed back to Andy beating me up. How I skipped out of the reality of the present reality and into feelings and emotions from the past. I was talking to a woman I'd just met about learning salsa. She suggested giving it a go now, there were only a few people around and I could try it out with George, a lovely Chilean guy that I kinda fancied who was there. Only problem was that my very occasional Mexican lover who had pretty much been ignoring me all night (apart from the part where we played wonderful music together with the band) was there too...and all of a sudden I felt intense fear.The thoughts crossed my head that Filo may be jealous if he saw me dancing & also the thought that I was attracted to George caus he's just a really nice guy. But mostly I felt intense fear...and a feeling like walls were caving in - I felt claustrophobic and had to get out of there.

 When I was walking down the street I realised the situation had triggered a fear from association with Andy beating me up after he saw me dancing with some male friends. We weren't touching, we were just having fun,enjoying the music. Andy had disappeared for three months without a word. I went through intense grief and then had thrown myself into music and dancing. John had become my dancing buddy. An happily married older man, who just loved dancing and encouraging others to share that passion (only on the dance floor though, he was always respectful & a total gentleman off the dance floor, & even there we only danced next to each other..). John is a lovely safe male friend who I have no physical attraction to at all. But when Andy came back, I'd become used to the freedom I enjoyed dancing and going out with John and other new friends. When Andy saw us dancing, and enjoying each others company in the music...his intense jealously was triggered. On the way home we went through a park and he exploded with anger. He tripped me up, and then made me lie on the ground while he attacked me.  

 But now that I understand where that fear was coming from... I simply have to let it go. And all the other fears that rattle around in my brain..all the associations with dance, with sex, with being physical that are painful, I can let go of them all. 

 I've seen in the last few days just how many loops I've had in my brain taking me to a bad place about being a physical person, being passionate, being sexual.

 From being a baby in an incubator and desperately needing touch. From my father pushing me away when I wanted cuddles, trying to get him to hold me hand tighter because it felt good - when I was three and him making me feel like I'd asked something really bad... discovering gymnastics at twelve and absolutely passionately falling in love with the freedom & pleasure I found in my body - in being able to throw myself into the air or go round and round on the bars at school. In doing the splits, and backbends.... & then my brother getting turned on,  the disgust I felt when I saw him masturbating behind a glass door. The hurt in his betrayal as the friend that I adored...the pain of the loss of his friendship when I finally confronted him. After his voyeurism continued for sometime. All associated with my greatest passion. The eating disorder I developed as I tried to fight with my body and fight the emotions and feelings I had. The isolation and loneliness I felt as I struggled with my feelings by myself. I only told my 47yr old twin sister about it a couple of weeks ago.

 As well as this -  My mother not allowing me to go to a gymnastics competition I worked towards for months after an argument. My mother always using gymnastics to punish me when I misbehaved because she knew I loved it so much, but never going to see me perform in competitions or go to classes with me. For some reason I feel I have to collect every single memory that's sifting around inside me...get them out and then light a big fire and burn them. I'm really aware most of all right now of the baby inside me that desperately wants cuddles and doesn't know how to get them. Wants to be held close....

  I feel the key to undoing all those painful associations is within reach...that just seeing it all for what it is releasing the power they hold over me... I want to feel good about my body, not for how it compares to all those images out there, but for how good it feels to have a body, how good it feels to move, how good it feels to touch and be touched...That every part of my body is good and beautiful and natural as God intended it to be. And I want to start using my body again, to walk and climb and run and bend, and dance...I want to enjoy the immense pleasure that's possible as part being a physical being in a body. Not just the sexual parts, not excluding that either but enjoying having legs, and arms and hands and eyes... When I finish writing I'm going to walk up Mt  Eden, and enjoy the earth and the trees and the view, and stop at my favorite tree... where I often shed a few tears as I pray and meditate. And I'm going to give thanks for every part of this body that God created exactly as it is. And I'm going to give myself permission to ENJOY being physical again. And I'm going to LOVE every particle of this body I've been gifted. That's all.