Waiting for a guy to come & "fix" a computer that's been working perfectly for days now. Tried to tell Frank that the last computer that I "healed" is still working perfectly months later. A combination of using reiki and then applying the law of attraction of simply expecting it to work, has coincided with it actually working. Who am I to say I had anything to do with it? But before it was crashing constantly and responding like a snail in hibernation, and now it just works fine, and this one seems to be doing the same.
Now if only I could do that with my life? Is it as simple as just expecting it to work?? The sun's shining today, the gloom of the past few days has lifted and anything seems possible...
Living in this house with it's silent kid's, feeling under pressure to stay here while I go through the daunting process of filing for bankruptcy has been pushing me to a new level of craziness. I'm a bird that likes to fly, who's wings are being clipped. The process requires a landline phone number. That mean's I need to be hanging around at my sisters house with the kids that treat me like I'm invisible, waiting to answer that phone should it ring. It also means I have to make phone calls to all my creditors - enjoyable & uplifting I'm sure that will be. I've put it off forever but the time really is NOW & I can't run away any more.
I don't mind the silence, it's peaceful...but when I say hello and no one answers, I realise I should have got to know them long before they were teenagers. Now before you judge me, why that didn't happen is another story. It's a long and complicated story that ends at the point that I realise that now is the only thing I can ever do anything about.( It's about as long and complicated as the story of my finances, and again now is the only place I can fix it from). At the moment I'm just the person that eats the food, and takes up space one of the 3 computers that they could be using. Conversation is off limits... (unless I want to go the path of asking dumb questions and getting blank stares as a response) So I have to approach this from other directions... I don't have money, so I can't buy them the deeply thought out presents that I used to. The withdrawal of presents the last couple of years probably isn't helping our relationship much.
I don't want to paint myself as a loser, but being here right now in this house, with these kids in this situation, I could go right under into serious depression. I've been hanging out in nature a lot the last few years. The peace and stillness I find there is pretty much the antidote to everything. When you live in a van, nature is the one thing that's more accessible than when you live in a house with a million things competing for your attention. When there's no computer and no TV, a vista of coastal beauty is easy to take up instead. But I can't do that NOW. I'm stuck here. I feel the repression of kids locked up in themselves, dovetailing with my own need for escape. I've painted myself into a corner, Now I have to PAINT myself out of it literally.
Last night I felt like a bomb about to go off, that couldn't go off, so was imploding and destroying my soul instead. There's something about being on a computer all day that doesn't help anything to feel good. But this painting that a friend shared on facebook stirred something in me...
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