Dancing in the rain..,

 I fell so tired, I just want to sleep - but today is about dancing in the rain... Bumped into a friend today at the point where my plans had hit a curb & I was sprawled on the sidewalk, not sure how to pick myself up and carry on. I say friend - we were lovers briefly, life took us in different directions... but the friendship is still there. So there he was, drinking coffee as usual, talking to a friend & smoking outside a small Ponsonby cafe. I was lugging my broken amp down the street on a on a trolley. I collapsed onto one of the chairs at his table & stopped for a chat. He offered me a ride across town to the repair shop. & I was just loading my gear into his van when his girlfriend turned up. She tried to be friendly but her suspicion  was obvious. Impossible to explain that it was the first time I'd seen him in 6 months. Anyway she didn't want to stay so we took off after another coffee, dropped off my amp & then he dropped me back into town.
 Now I'm thinking about Filo my (very occasional) mexican "lover" (not his real name). Thinking about how if I'm going to be around him, I want to see only the best in him. Unlike my friend, whose girlfriend is alway imagining the worst, when he's actually quite a straight up loyal guy... Filo gives me plenty to reason to be jealous..but I'm not the jealous kind. My wellbeing, my feeling good is important to me. So I've decided to just be as friendly and nice as possible to him, regardless of how many women he attempts to seduce in front of me in plain view. I want to use him to practice the law of attraction...focusing on his best aspects and ignoring the rest. If I can't control the whole sexual side of things... I'm going to focus on genuine old fashioned unconditional love. On just being a good natured friend. On just being me. On just being true to my nature. I can't make him want me or be attracted to me, or loyal to me...but I can be loyal to myself. I can be good to myself when he's flirting like crazy with whoever...(it's always someone new) I can be warm and friendly & consistent to myself (at least in my head). He wants me to play in his band... so I can't hide or run away... but I can let go about the whole thing... accept that he's not going to be the source of my wellbeing, and be that for myself.  I think I'm going to get to the point where I'm going to just feel like laughing or quietly laughing to myself when he does his thing he does with women in front of me... there's not much else he can do that he hasn't already done in front of me. I genuinely don't have sexual jealousy, but I do or did have jealousy of fun and friendliness...if it looked like I was the only one missing out on that...but - I'm now officially allowing myself to have fun!!! Not necessarily from him if he's not there for that with me.. there are plenty of other people to have fun with. So I don't need to be jealous. I'm open to having fun of my own!!!.

 Anyway it's raining...all the other buskers are hiding and it's time for me to play. Filo is the rain in my emotional life... but when the cloud come out - I like nothing better than being outside in stormy weather. Feeling the wind on my face makes me feel alive. Winters my time to get outside, go for brisk walks, run up hills... be free of the fears and conditioning of other people... and play!