Ooh I feel a bit sick all of a sudden, queasy and dizzy - whats up?? Stuff is happening that's going to the core of my being....I met someone... I liked him, then he made it clear he liked me and.... I've been totally freaking out ever since. I feel turned inside out and upside down. I feel like running away, but I can't run far enough.... to get up from my confusion and pain. My behaviors become so strange that I think he's changed his mind about me. I've changed my mind about me..Right now I just feel sick. I can't even write....
This is one of those days when I'd be happy to be at home in bed. Anyway a trip to the loo and a big drink of water and I feel - slightly - better. I'm clinging to whatever sanity I can muster and there's not much there to cling too. I remind myself I have friends that like me. Because I'm finding it hard to like myself. I want this soo much, I want this man so much that I'm losing all the qualities that made me attractive in the first place. I have to try to come back to a place where I can like myself before I can imagine anyone else liking me at all. My ex is sending me messages online. We split up last year after he had one of his crazy spells and beat me up. A couple of weeks ago he scared some friends by coming around to their house and demanding my address, ranting and raving in a threatening way, saying that we were meant to be together and that I should never be with anyone else. He's trying to tell me he loves me but I know that he's also trying to get another woman to send him tickets to the gold coast so he can be with her. I'm trying to find my wellness, trying to find my wholeness, but mind keeps spinning round in circles to places it shouldn't go.
I feel a bit better now just because I had a huge glass of clear water... fell some clarity returning. Amazing how the physical can influence my state of mind.. It feels such a tightrope, it feels like I can get this potential beginning so wrong that I just fall off into the moat full of crocodiles and get eaten up by fear?. How can I take myself from the place of wanting, away from the place of fearing and imagining everything that could go wrong, every place in the past where it went wrong, every reason why it should go wrong again...I don't want to identify with the damaged parts of my brain, the faulty parts of my thinking..want to go to the place of growth where I can live new and better ways of being. The place of allowing good to flow in my direction. Drinking water reminded me that - even drinking water can help to shift direction to a better place. Working on my health, adjusting my lifestyle and exercise and diet can put me in the place where healthy thoughts predominate. I have to give myself a chance to be in a healthy place, whatever the past - there are new possibilities.
No comments:
Post a Comment