Little did I know, when I wrote that last post, that those sit ups would propel me into an intense bout of flu, possibly, ( I did another set of 500 a few days later... ) just altogether too much stuff was stirred up when blood flowed in places it hadn't flowed for years. Cells that had been shut down for ever, had a rush of action and stimulation... in hindsight a more gradual approach to the whole thing may have been more gentle on my system. A month later I'm back to a mild 30 sit ups a day... and planning to build up the numbers sloowwwly over the next few months. That was just too intense. It's unfortunate that that guy that I really like chose the time when I was in bed, with the flu, hallucinating about dead guinea pigs, at about 5 in the morning, to finally suggest coming around for a "catch up". I'm not so dumb that even in that state I can't work out that "catch up" at 5 in the morning means something more like "I've been drinking all night and I'm feeling horny...." and the truth was that as everything vibrated around me and the whole universe was on fire.... it was a kind of attractive thought. In that feverish state resistance was low, defence's were right down but.... the practical brain hadn't been totally disabled. This guy has the kind of schedule other people can only dream of. His job involves flying around the country entertaining people and somehow I felt that trying to do that... feeling like I was feeling now...wouldn't work. So I sacrificed my need to share that beautiful open space I was feeling... the one where my heart felt wide open but I basically couldn't move from my bed, couldn't eat and was just lying there feeling blissed out and dizzy. And moved our potential relationship backwards by about 6 mths. I hope one day we'll laugh about this...
Just to clear this up, one aspect of the flu was a really almost lovely kind of feverish state, the other side was a chest infection that was not nice at all..
It's a strange thing when you like someone that in some way's you're totally incompatible with. It's almost like the barriers become a challenge to get over...
I wonder how long I'll like this guy? I'm not in a hurry to get together.. I don't want my illusions blown up too dramatically. I like to hold the thought that if we took a long time to get to the point of actually hooking up, that we might over that time come to terms with some of those differences. Might come to a place where they're OK.At the moment I feel better about just bumping into him randomly, rather than actually planning anything. It seems to work better that way.
There are two things that make me different from many other people on this planet. One is that death really doesn't bother me...and the other is that good sex is defined by whether I see the purple lights or not. The first only makes me feel mildly isolated from the rest of the planet. I can go to the public library and find whole sections of books that deal with talking to dead people and life beyond the physical.. so I'm not totally alone there.. But in all the books I've ever read, in all the stand up comedy that talks about the intimate details of every aspect of every possible sexual act... no one ever discusses the part where you see purple lights.
Anyway at least there is a dialog out there about death... there are a range of points of view to choose from... it's just that I was never "taught" not to be concerned about death... I just never felt the separation that other people feel because of it.I came into this world feeling ok about death.... and much later came to find points of view that supported my feelings about it. However even amongst the spiritual community, those who have beliefs about life after death still wail in anguish when they experience a loss. I'm more sad when I feel a separation with someone who's still on the planet.I usually find death resolves that feeling and I can feel more connected after death than before. That's certainly been the case with my parents.
Anyway the world seems to be split into those (the majority) who believe only in the physical tangible touchable see-able hear-able smell-able taste-able aspects of the world. And those whose experience of life includes what is intangible & non physical. People can have all the beliefs they like about what is real and what isn't. They can deny my experience for all kinds of "logical" reasons But they don't see colours when they have sex. They don't sense the presence of someone they knew and loved, (who's not in this world anymore) when they least expected it..I'm pretty sure there ARE other people who see colours when they have sex, and all kinds of other things, but I've never met anyone who does. But... I'm not going to deny my experience because it doesn't fit the norm.
The guy I like, seems to fit in the first category. So on that basis I'm set up for a hard ride if I go in that direction. But what he's making me look for new way's to explain the intangible. Because he's a comedian, I'm starting to study comedy as a method of communicating new or unpalatable ideas. Comedy has always been good at finding ways to talk about things that are sensitive in society. Comedy has often been at the leading edge of discussing controversial topics in new ways. Death... and all the seemingly tragic ways it can happen is probably the most sensitive subject left now that sex is out of the closet. And I want to try to find new ways to talk about it because the old ways.. often leave people feeling like they're floundering in a sea of despair and confusion. It's not going to happen in one post or maybe even one hundred... I've just signed up to go back to school and study English and media studies. Because I want to be a writer. Because I want to find ways to discuss the undiscussable. Because I want to be one small part of bringing society to a place where death doesn't just rip the core out of people that experience it. I want death to be something that can be talked about like you can talk about eating or sleeping because it's just as much a daily part of life. But I want more than anything to find a way where talking about death can be uplifting, energising, invigorating, healing, fun, and any other words that make you feel good instead of bad.
In the meantime I'm happy that whatever connection I have with this guy stimulates me to growth and expansion. I'm grateful he's inspired me to look more deeply at the art and craft of comedy. As long as I'm growing, as long as I'm learning I'm always pretty happy.
This is so not what I planned to write about, going to have to change the title of this post... I was going to write about moving on from my psychopathic but wonderfully gifted ex boyfriend...about my new flat...about signing up to study to be a writer. That's pretty much the story of my life, I wake up in the morning planning my day and head out the door in a totally different direction...
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