Aaargh!! What the F**K am I doing??!! Why am I doing this?? Why am I throwing my life away in pursuit of something so intangible? why Don't I get a real job?? Today hasn't gone quite how I'd like, today the mouse couldn't find its way off the wheel....and just went round and round all day... I tried to come back to myself by feeding the birds... there's something about watching happy sparrows and pigeons that makes me feel good - But EVEN THE BIRDS DIDN"T TURN UP!! A little sparrow was chirping on a lamp post, but he sure wasn't telling anyone else about the handfuls of rice I'd thrown on the pavement - I'm looking like an idiot now because there isn't a single bird showing any interest in it. Two pigeons wandered by, pecking at miniscule crumbs as they ignored my offering and kept going in search of something better??? Even the seagull circling above the feast I'd laid below flew off in the opposite direction. If I was trying to not feel like a loser, it wasn't working. I gave up and unpacked my violin, started playing without the inspiration of the sweetness of birds to guide me. There was only a wind blowing my skirt and hair to keep me company, and a distant photographer, I guess the wind blowing my skirt and hair appealed to him too. I kept playing longer than I wanted, just because he was there. When I finished he gave me $2, and smiled blankly at my comment - no english..So with the $7 I made in total, I went and bought a drink and wandered off to Queen St.
I wandered straight into that African guy whose name I will never remember, let alone be able to pronounce.. The cute one who wasn't home when I turned up today, cause I saw him again yesterday and he invited me for a jam. The window was open, the back door was wide open... the lounge was full of dirty ashtrays full of cigarette butts, and the general squalor of a genuine bachelor pad. As musicians, when they step out in town, they look fresh and washed and stunning at all times, but home is another story. They say you can tell a musicians home, by the lack of toilet paper and light bulbs.. There's always though, a supply of the essentials - drugs, tobacco and alcohol..
It was lucky I got a ride to his house, since he wasn't home. On an earlier wild goose chase, I was innocently feeling genuinely inspired up on K rd, playing in the wind again, when someone came up to me and told me that my friends band was playing in the domain from 3 - 5, It was 2:54. they weren't playing between 3 & 5, but I didn't know that...so I packed up and headed over grafton bridge towards the domain. I stopped for a while outside the kebab shop near the hospital...weighing up the pro's and cons of a $9.50 kebab on rice over a $2.50 pie. By the time I got to the band rotunda the kebab and rice was cold, partly because I bumped into Mike on the way. My friends Gypsy band had finished playing an hour earlier, someone was rapping instead to some cool acid jazz. Mike noticed me before I noticed him...in fact I wouldn't have noticed him at all if he hadn't leaped out of his flash black car and yelled out my name. I was watching the cricketers on the field down below, I was noticing how many of them looked Indian. Mikes a drummer and a surfer who doesn't drum and doesn't surf. Instead he drives trucks and drinks alone in the domain in his car. He tells me he's always working to pay bills. None of it makes much sense. He works so he can afford drugs. Mike gave me a ride to the African guys house, and when he wasn't there, he dropped me off in town. we sat for a while in his car while he grumbled about the other drivers, and the multitude of people who had ripped him off, freezing his life in an ongoing post traumatic stress disorder, from which it seems he may never recover. But he's been number one worker at his job 2 years in a row. Work is fine, it's just life he can't handle..
Anyway the African guy tells me they may want me to play at Raggamuffin with them. He's got my number, and he'll txt me, but he doesn't have a phone, no sim card or something, so it doesn't sound that hopeful..I've always wanted to play at Raggamuffin, not the first time it's come up, our no.1 reggae festival. will see what the music God's have to say on that one. The music God's give me inspiration, but not quite enough to overcome the lethargy on the street today. They don't give me much money, I guess I can't complain since I landed a $50 note a couple of days ago..
Still as I head towards home I wonder what I'm doing, and why I don't get a real job?? This obsession with music - is ruining my life, but giving me so much joy at the same time. I just can't seem to give it up.
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